Tee had booked her ticket the night before. I had no idea. She had no idea where I was staying and thought after arriving at the New Orleans airport would be an ideal time to ask.
Well, silly her – I had already been there for over 24-hrs (well over the “lose my phone” threshold)…
She called my aunt, unable to reach me, and somehow found the Hostel I was at (good guess?? I don’t know…), they happen to have a bed available in the same room and I happen to be in there in the dark by myself at 1am… next time I bitch about bad luck, please remind me via comment about this night.
Anyways, I was like “Holy shit balls” and we went out and explored (not looking so normal anymore), came back, and were dead to the world. Until (dun dun dun!)- the two dumb bitches from Europe somewhere turned on the fucking lights to put on their makeup and speaking loudly in they\”re ungodly accent. I literally slammed my curtain open and just stared at them until they were done (which I’d like to
think was sooner than if I had not). They have bathrooms for that shit in Hostels – WTF!?
Our other roommates included a chick from China (we became BFF’s with), a badass from like Scotland or some shit, and a stripper from Portland (go figure).
This is when Covid was just surfacing and China was shutting down. I asked her and she seemed genuinely disturbed by the whole thing. She said her parents were farmers and out of the city so they’d most likely be safe but was stressed out about the whole thing. She had apparently cashed out some retirement and had been traveling the world. She had just completed a week long backpacking
trip through the Arizona desert with strangers. Cray Cray. And when I say “retirement”, I am just as confused as you are going to be because she looked 12. She’s Chinese though and they do tend to hold up better than our American haggard asses, but still. I don’t remember her name so for the sake of simplicity, I will call her “China” when she comes up again.
When I finally drug my ass out of bed (Tee still dead to the world), I went out for a smoke, grabbing a vending machine pickle along the way. I’m sitting outside smoking, in yesterday’s clothes, mascara making my face look like a topographical map, when some black dude comes up to me and asks how I’m doing and offers me some of his joint… such friendly fucking people here, it’s amazing! I Kindly refuse, explaining to him that I turn into a retard when I smoke (unlike when I do anything else??), chat with him for a while, then proceed to take 14 hours to get ready while Tee sleeps. That bitch literally pops up out of bed, puts on clothes (without a thought, mind you) and is ready to bounce- my kind of chick 😊
Night has now been upon us for some time and for some reason, I’m getting somewhat sober. Tee on the other hand, is obliterated. I’m trying to keep her from drinking anymore but every time I turnaround she’s got a jello shot or some shit she got from her fucking booze genie!
We stop to get a hotdog and I suddenly realize that the only thing I’ve eaten since Saturday is a fucking pickle. Its Monday night. Jesus.
Anyways, we had this whole plan to get Mardi Gras tattoos and so we stopped by this tattoo shop right by the Hostel and “signed up” or whatever. We waited…and waited….and fucking waited some more! Tee couldn’t sit up straight at this point, so we finally just bounced. The next morning the tattoo artist was outside when I went to smoke. I asked him WTF? Apparently, Tee asked our tattoo artist for a cigarette (for me I guess cause her ass don’t smoke lol) and when he didn’t have one, proceeded to tell him to fuck off. In turn, they silently told us to fuck off and we got no tattoos. Yet.
Flight(s) Home Side Note: The New Orleans Airport has really cool toilets! The toilet seat are already lined with seat covers and after every use it rotates! (hopefully not recycling…)
We get to the N.O. airport in the normal/suggested amount of time before our flight leaves — aka, way too early for a fucking smoker. We go through security, which is slow as fuck because they have a dog sniffing each individual passenger before entry. We sit at the bar and I continue to try and drink (Tee having no issues drinking at this point) but I fucking cant! I get tums… some other old people shit and drink some more! But between my newly acquired like heartburn/acid reflux issue and I don’t know what else, I LITERALLY CANNOT GET DRUNK. Tee’s borderline drunk at this point. I need a fucking cigarette. We have plenty of time so I proceed to go smoke. It must have been rush hour for planes because when I got back in the security line, it had quadrupled in length. By the time I got through security we had 19 minutes until our flight left. We ran to the fucking gate and it was closed! They had changed the fucking gate.
We went up to the counter, dumbfounded, because our plane didn’t leave for 14 more minutes, and we were directed to the fine print on our tickets that says “Boarding ends 15 minute before takeoff”.
Why don’t they just put that fucking time on your ticket, that’s BS!
Contrary to common belief however, missing a plane is apparently not that big of a deal (I will really prove that later). The woman at the counter starts tapping away on her computer and says:
“Ladies, you can either stay here and catch another flight to Portland in 8 hours… or you can fly to Houston, Texas in 30 min. for an 8 hour layover there, then catch a flight back to Portland. Which would you like?”
Tee and I look at each other, then I reply-
“Well, I’ve never been to Texas”…
So, we went to Texas. Before taking off we had her friend find us a place in Houston to get our New Orleans tattoos. He found us a quaint little shop in the ghetto, with bars covering the shopfront, that we could acquire these tattoos at 2 am.
The Houston airport fucking sucks BTW. They are literally all assholes. Not one employee there was even the least bit friendly or had any inkling they were part of the customer service industry. For reals. No fucking Joke.
We exit the airport and Im feigning a cigarette. Tee is wasted. She cracks open a beer 10 ft from the airport doors and proceeds to drink in the Uber. My pissed off, sober ass is like “Tee!!! We aren’t in fucking New Orleans anymore – this is Texas bitch! This is the last place I want to go to jail at!!” Her face resembled that of my toddlers would, if I had just recited the Pythagorean theorem to him.
Our driver was this like 350 lb+ black guy and all I remember is him telling us we’re going in the ghetto and we cant hang out outside. We go to a 24-hr Subway along the way, that literally unlocks the bared door for each guest separately….I guess, if they feel like it? Then locks it again behind them.
I was about 1 loud noise sway from shitting my pants. Tee on the other hand had snuck out of the Uber on me when we arrived at the tattoo shop and I was grabbing my shit, and strolled on over to the local convenient store to get more beer. I’m trying to yell at her calmly as we walk into the shop (looking like a crazy white bitch with a stick up my ass) – which in retrospect, is probably why I got the one guy in all of Texas, who tattoos with a fucking sharpie needle. To put in mildly, it looked like shit. But fucking yolo.
We get back to the airport and she cracks open another beer. I lose my shit.
To be honest, it was probably more because I couldn’t get drunk anymore, hadn’t slept in god knows how long, and got a shitty tattoo – I had lost all patience, and threw a fit like a child… to another inebriated child… and she got butt hurt and wandered off. I finished my cigarette and headed in. I figured she’d pop up at the gate or something. In the meantime, I curled up on some chairs in a closed restaurant and attempted to pass out. Checked the airline app again and sure enough our gate changed again…wondered about 10 miles trying to find it (while calling Tee over and over), found it, had a drink, then it changed again… I was basically in tears trying to drag my shit across the airport for the 14th time, when some old man (a TSA worker) on one of those carts took pitty on my ass and gave me a ride.
I boarded the plane and still had not seen Tee. I called my cousin to see if he had heard from Tee and he was all fucking pissed/irritated and was all “you guys need to figure your shit out!”
I was like “bitch, wtf do you think I’m doing!? Try and call her!”
When everyone had boarded and I still didn’t see her I got up and asked a flight attendant. Apparently she did an intercom announcement at the airport and then proceeded to ask the Asian chick 3 seats over, if she was Tashina Lang…. hahaha.
I arrive at PDX and now have no way home. Tee’s friend was supposed to give us a ride and I still could get ahold of her to figure out where she was. I remember my dad saying something about shuttles…. sure enough, it’s a fucking thing! And cheap! I’m the last to load this little fucker (there’s about 6 other people inside), when my coworker calls me (I was supposed to be home like yesterday).. He asks if I’m alive, he hadn’t heard from me…
I reply quietly because I’m in a van with people and don’t want to be “that person”….
Yeah, I’m fine. We just missed a couple flights, ended up in Texas and got tattoos. Haven’t slept in a couple days. Then I lost Tee so I’m taking a shuttle home cause I don’t have a ride. Oh, I also lost my jacket, phone, and passport….
I notice the van is laughing.
A Single White Female 
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