The Painted Hills, a Road Trip.

This week, or the last 3 months rather, have been rough. This last week however, especially so. Crazy dudes on top of a fucked up work environment. I am literally having to try and figure out where the line is between doing what’s right and doing what your boss tells you. A problem I’ve been fortunate enough never to have to deal with, prior to now. Anyways, that’s a story for another day. This one however, starts yesterday (Saturday) at about 4 pm.

After stressing on work all day I said, “…fuck it, I’m getting out of here…”. I have no idea to whom or what I should give credit for this idea, but I decided I’m going to go see The Painted Hills. One of the Seven Wonders of the World, apparently. And only 200 miles (or 4 hours) away. Who needs a plan for that?

Note: I find out later it’s one of the Seven Wonders of Oregon… not the f******* world. Only slightly disappointed.

So, I threw my camera in my purse, grabbed a jacket and a charger for each phone (work and personal) and headed off.

I’m so cheap- actually “cheap” is not the right word. That would imply I was saving something. This is just stupidity – I’m so stupid, that I had to stop for gas like 18 times cause I only can get myself to put $30-$50 in the gas tank at a time and I’m sure you can imagine how far that gets me.

So, partly due to this it took me well over 4 hours to get there and was dark most of the time, which actually made the drive back entertaining – it’s a gorgeous route.

About 4 hours into my trip I am taken through the town of Prineville. I’m cruising along, trying to find a radio station that comes in (Amazon already quit working on me), when WTF do I see, but a drunkard pulling into the 7-Eleven on his horse and proceeds to tie it to the bicycle rack! I literally had to turn around to see if this fool was serious and when I got out, I saw something even more perplexing: a chick in a spiderman costume.

Peace-out Prineville.

As soon as I left town, I lost complete service on both phones. The last I saw, Google Maps said 1 hour and 19 minutes (mostly straight?).

Alrighty then.

I’m driving for what seems like an eternity (in silence) and I finally see the words “Painted Hills” on a sign, telling me to turn, as I fly past it. I also noticed it says 6 miles. Using reason, I conclude that there’s nothing over there but Parks & Rec, and its late- I need to figure out what I’m going to do about lodging. I am broke, as per usual, so I brought a blanket and my gun in case I decided to sleep in the Jeep… with no windows though, I feel like I probably wouldn;t sleep good.. Nevertheless, I do remember there was a town called Mitchell really close to this location. Maybe if I get to civilization I can get service and figure out wtf I am going to do.

I see the “Welcome to Mitchell” sign. Yay!

“Population 246”. Fuck.

They probably don’t even have running water, let alone cell service… – and a GD gas station (Summer you idiot!)!

I slow way down and look for signs of life. I see a sign that says “Business Loop”. Sounds promising, so I turn.

Complete darkness.

Then I see some activity… a bar – perfect! The road ends right by the bar, so. I park, grab my purse, and head that direction.

Four drunkards are leaving the bar and tell me they’re closed now.

Me: WTF, it’s 10 pm!?

Dude 1: I know, right? It’s fucked up! Hey I got beers at my house, come drink with us!?

Chick: Yeahhh!

Dude 2: Jump on my Harley, lets go!

Me: …

It’s funny. Anytime I’m driving down a highway, by myself, for an extended period of time, I can’t help but to stare at every passing car, thinking to myself –

Any one of these cars could kill me. One sneeze, one text, one bad day… one slight mistake. Ones that we make all the time. That is a lot of trust I’m putting in every idiot on the road and I have no control over it. My kid could have no mom tomorrow if the next dude reaches down to grab his dropped phone at the wrong time. It’s terrifying.Yet, jumping on the back of a Harley with a complete stranger, who just walked out of a bar, with no cell phone service, doesn’t even phase me.

Me: Okay.

We are fickle creatures.

I walk in the house and I get a big whiff of cat piss. I went nose blind really quick though.

There are deer mounted all over the walls, a German Shepard, a black cat named Lucifer, and I later found out, about 25 chickens. We took a shot Jim Beam, cracked open beers, and while they puff-puffed, I passed. We had some very interesting conversations about if he was Hitler, he would have taken out the white race and Christians, though he was white and they went to church the following morning… Did I mention people are fickle creatures?

[if you think I’m lying, here’s the video of it I accidentally took]

Turns out the old dude I rode with on the Harley was also some random stow-away they picked up.

I passed out on the couch while everyone was still talking and smoking.

We got up at like 7am. Dude made coffee, we played guitar hero, and then I was taken back to my Jeep.

Well, that was fun.

I lit up a cigarette and sat there for about 10 minutes, looking around, trying to figure out how I am going to get gas, and which way I’m supposed to go. Mostly due to the alcohol the night prior, as well as lack of sleep, It probably took me about 10 minutes too long to figure it out. The only “gas station” was a Pacific Pride, so I used my work gas card. Then I can say [with pride], I used my Jeep’s compass for the first time, to figure out which way to go.

I know. I’m a straight up MacGyver.

The Painted Hills were about 10 minutes away. They were amazing! I was super intrigued by the soil. So much so, that I took some home with me. Probably a felony.

The park and its facilities were super nice and clean, surprisingly.