[Note: I refuse to pay for this blog anymore, which means I can’t put pictures in the posts; however, there’s a link to a shared album at the end with all the videos/photos]
I honestly don’t know how this came about… but for some reason my friend Chelsea booked us to get tattoos in Idaho one weekend. She didn’t want to drive [she wanted to drink] and I concurred.
It was my bright idea to take the train.
Her husband dropped her off at my work at about 4 pm on Friday and we took my work truck to the Amtrak station (grabbing a bottle along the way).
When we got to the counter I asked if we could ‘upgrade’. Fuck it, planes do it??
We got upgrade to a roomette for like $100 total! Its basically a bunk bed with about 10 sf of floor space and a sliding door for privacy – perfect!
Because of the upgrade, we also got like VIP or something and were able to wait for our train in this special room that has snacks and shit – actually, I should say, “not shit”- because that’s what the rest of the station smelled like- shit.
Thank the lord Jesus for it too, because we were there getting shit faced for 4.5 hours before the train showed up.
We had made BFF’s with the Golden Girls and some old couple that were funnier than shit. By the time we got on the train, Chelsea thought she was British.
As soon as we get on, we see the conductor; this little blonde lad. I think he was Russian. Super cute but like 20. Chelsea immediately goes on cougar mode and starts telling him how cute he was and what she would do to him if she wasn’t married. It was definitely a little overboard, but not more than you could reasonably expect from a couple drunk 40-year-olds who think they’re 22.
We chatted with him for a bit. He told us how his dad was also a conductor and he gets paid $30/hr and could get away with murder, basically… a typical kid bragging.
Anyways, were in the room taking shots on the top bunk being retarded when we hear the door slide open.
We both look over our shoulder and watch in dismay as this conductor literally unbuckles his belt, unzips his pants, and whips his shit out.
Silence.
All the sudden Chelsea just busts out laughing hysterically – like a crazed nervous laugh lol… then I start laughing.
I couldn’t look the kid in the eye, so I had no idea his reaction, but he was out of there pretty quick.
Chelsea and I looked at each other –
What in the actual fuck?
The mood quieted super quick. She mentioned something about herpes scars and I passed out before we reached the next stop.
I woke up to them announcing our stop – the fucking room was trashed!
We start cleaning manically and get it somewhat presentable. As we’re exiting the train, Mr. Indecent Exposure tells us to watch out for zombies.
WTF?… ok……
So first off, I have never been to Spokane, Washington. If I had been there before I definitely would have refused to show up there at 2:30am. The place is like Compton! There are fucking fentanyl ‘zombies’ all over the place! It looked like the zombie apocalypse and was terrifying.
We had gotten all drunk and forgot to book a room so now we’re walking down the street with luggage at 2:30 am surrounded by… a fentanyl crisis!
We run towards the first hotel we see and as we’re thanking God we about run into the GD door because it’s locked. A voice comes through and refuses to let us in without a reservation.
We are literally in tears at this point.
We continued walking. While we’re waiting at a crosswalk on the corner, some SUV flips a bitch and rolls into the parking lot behind us, rolls down the window, sticks his head out and starts looking us up and down like he’s appraising us.
Chelsea droops her head and starts mumbling under her breath something about she’s not pulling up her pants, so she has a saggy ass so they wont look at her … I don’t fucking know lol
I’m so irritated at this point that I turn and look at these fuckers, point my finger at them and yell, “NO! NO!” Then I turn around and tell Chelsea to fucking go!
Apparently, there was some event happening in town because all the hotels were full – not shitting you.
We’re literally panicking when all of the sudden the Enterprise parking lot starts yelling at us to, “Disperse! Please exit the parking lot or the police will be dispatched!”
We both look at each other…
“Thank God!!!! Yes! Please call the police!!”
We run into the lot and sit at the front door, The alarm still going off. Finally, we could think!!
Eventually we got an Uber and found some fancy hotel with one room open. We went to bed at like 7am. Got up at around 9 or 10 am and started trying to find a rental car.
By the time we get to the tattoo shop Chelsea is obliterated and already crying. I’m sober (besides the complete lack of sleep) because I had to drive.
She goes first. I hung out for bit until I got annoyed. Then I went to a couple stores… then a bar… then back to the shop… then to car…
7 GODDAMN HOURS LATER SHE STILL WASN’T DONE!
I am losing my shit. The memory of our last train ride suddenly sparked me to call and check the status of our return ride and thank God I did because it was running an estimated 9-1 hours late, but was still broke down in like Chicago or something so they really didn’t know yet.
I’m trying to tell Chelsea this but she’s bawling, telling this tattoo guy her life story and gives absolutely no fucks. I give fucks because I have to work Monday and the trains probably not making it. Our only option is to keep the rental and drop in off in Oregon and pay a fee ($347). However, Chelseas husband goes on night shift at the fire department on Sunday so if we don’t get there asap, I am going to have to drive from Idaho to Portland, then take Chelsea to West Salem, then drive back to Beaverton (on 2 hours of sleep) and hopefully get a nap in for work and not die.
I lost my Goddamn shit and told her if she wasn’t out in the fucking car in 10 minutes, I was leaving her.
I just spent about $850 to go to Idaho for Chelsea to get a tattoo.
Needless to say, it was a quiet ride home.
Back to the Amtrak Conductor….
Over the next few weeks, the penis incident started to bother me more. I mean, if he felt comfortable doing that – I’m sure it wasn’t the first time! There are kids who travel alone, intoxicated woman…. This is fucked.
So, I emailed Amtrak and told them about our experience. They responded exactly like the kid implied they would (see response in album below).
A Single White Female 
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